Dear Finley,

I am on campus right now, working on all my projects that are due during finals week. I am in BH with Aunt R and her friend C and we took over a study bubble on the third floor. The long light gray smooth table sits 7 yet the three of us somehow manage to use every inch of it. Computers, charging cables, water bottles, bags of chips, leftover Easter candy, folders, pens, headphones, wrappers, paper clips, and the box of cereal I bought Aunt R lie in a scattered mess around me. Despite sharing this room with two others, I feel your absence.

Finley, if only you knew how much work I have to get done. What if I don’t get it all done? What if I don’t do well on any of it and I fail? That would be me. Then again, that’s what I always think and that never happens. So, why do I think that way? Why do these thoughts enter my brain with the persistence of a hammer hitting a nail? All I do know is that this happens less when I’m home with you.

I just want to be done, fifi. I want to sleep after a good, long, cry. One of those crys that soaks the pillow. But I can never cry for long because at some point I lift my head out of the pillow to take a deep breath and then I see you staring at me across the room and suddenly a jolt of joy courses through my brain.

Despite all the things I have on my to-do list, I have been thinking about how to move you and your tank home for almost a month. Do I empty the glass tank completely? How should I transport the filter media so I lose the least amount of beneficial bacteria? Where should I set up the tank at home? When I get the tank home should I redecorate it, or leave it the same to provide you with a sense of continuity? All this rages through my head and I realize I am no longer crying. I continue to lie on my side to glimpse you through the glass and I know I will get up. I always do. I don’t always get up for my sake. But I will always get up for you.

Maybe that is messed up, but for now, it is a place to start.

Love,

Mom

Re: Letters to mom

Mom,

Thanks for the letter. I’m glad you get back up because I love it when you give me food. Also, I get worried when you cry. Water appears on you face, which is weird, but I don’t like it. When you are sad I feel it, too. So, I come and try to be by you but you don’t live in the water with me. I wish we could swim together. Don’t be sad, mom, I will stay with you! For one, you give me food.

I love the shrimp!! They are so so so so yummy! My tank is bigger than the other one, but sometimes it feels small. Like when you’re not home. I have plants and a big rock and sometimes it all changes around and then it feels big but looking at the same plant is boring.

When you are home, I perch on my plants, or in my log, or on my leaf, and then watch to see what you are doing. You are always doing the strangest things! For example, the other day, you kept yelling really loudly while staring at these little people moving really fast on the tv. What is that all about mom?

Your fishy,

Fifi

Re: Letters to Finley from Fam

Fiiiiiiiiiff!

You a crazy fish!

Gonna get you!

Don’t sass me, sir!

I will sass right back.

-Aunt R

RE: Letter from mom

Finley,

I was watching the hockey game! We got into the Stanley Cup Playoffs!

Of course, it’s not the best timing with it being finals and all. I will find a way. That means I probably won’t get to watch the next game…

I’m so happy you love the shrimp. I wasn’t sure if you would like it. Although, I probably should’ve known better. I must have researched for almost 2 hours before I decided to try giving you some. I don’t want anything to happen to you. Sometimes I worry I have picked the wrong type of pet. No offense, but fish don’t live as long as other animals and I get so attached. I love you so much. Please be that Betta fish that lives for 5 years or more. Please please please. I promise to do my best to take care of you! I love you so much. I love you as much as I loved Calypso.

Love,

Mom

RE: Letter to Fam

Aunt R,

Get back here so I can bite your finger! I’m gonna get you, NO, don’t get me, I’m the one getting you!

Where are you?

Come visit soon!

Why has it been so long? You…I’m gonna go sulk since it has been so long, take that!…..Ok fine, I’m happy to see you! NO, you can’t get me! I’ll get you!

Come back soon, friend.

-Fif

RE: Letters to mom

Mom,

CALM DOWN! I’m not going to die! I promise! Ok?

Honestly, it doesn’t bother me when you tell me about Calypso. As long as he’s not in my tank, you can talk about him and I promise to be a good fishy and not fight him.

The way you talk about him, it’s like the way you talk to me. But is he gone mom?

I’m sorry. But now I’m here! Oh, this is why you worry about me so much. Well, I’m not going anywhere. You do too many weird things, I can’t miss any of those! I mean, hockey, really mom? Yelling over hockey? I’m joking, LET’S GO BLUES! LET’S GO BLUES! LET’S GO BLUES! See, I’m a good fish! Does that mean I can have some more shrimp?

Love,

fifi

RE: letters to Finley from fam

Dear Finley,

Heidi and I are looking forward to you and your mom moving back home. We missed you both so much! You and your tank will brighten up our family room. Heidi will be jealous when I visit with you, but I know in time she will learn to share me and your mom with you. I am excited to see your new toys and find out what new foods mom has been preparing for you. I was surprised to hear she has been feeding you shrimp since she usually dislikes the smell of seafood and doesn’t understand why anyone would want to eat fish!!!! I can’t wait to see you wiggle your fins in excitement when you arrive back home this weekend!! You are a very special grandfish. See you soon!!

Love,

Nana

RE: letters to fam

Nana,

I hope you’re right about Heidi. She is much bigger than me and every time mom comes to say hi to me, do you know what she does? She sits at mom’s feet and barks at her! I’m just concerned, nana. But you are always right, so I suppose you are right about this, too. I will be very happy to see you! You just make me so happy when you come up to my tank and talk to me in the morning before mom wakes up! That is one of my favorite times of the day 🙂 Also, I didn’t know mom doesn’t like seafood lolol mom is so funny! See you in a couple days!

Love,

Finley

RE: Letters to Finley from fam

Dear Finley,

You are a fish. To some that may make you seem insignificant but not to me. I don’t know how but somehow you have weaseled yourself into being an important part of my life. You make someone who I love very happy and that makes you crucial. I can honestly say you fit in perfectly to my family. I might even say your sass rivals mine and that alone makes me impressed by you. You have completely rewritten the definition of the word fish. Thanks friend for being you!!

Sincerely,

Auntie A

Well, today mom gave me some Easter presents! I was so excited I woke up from my nap and I swim over and spazed my fins really fast and swam towards it and then ran into the side and so I circled around and approached again. So I wouldn’t run into the side I sank down onto a plant and just stared. What is it? One of them she called Mr. Paddles, which is a kinda dumb name, but she said it was the name on the name tag. The name tag was small and circular with a rainbow background. In white it reads “Hello, my name is: PADDLES.” Mr. Paddles is a stuffed black and white cow that sits outside my tank and stares at me. Well, mom said he is a cow. I’ve never seen a cow before so I will take her word for it. I also got a…what did mom call it?…a pinwheel! It has a long green stick and purple thingys that spin when she blows on them. It is so cool!

Like I said, I was asleep when she came over with my presents. “Finley!!!! Where’s my fifi??? Come here fifi, I brought you presents!” Since I love her I got up and swam over. I’m just that nice. Usually after we travel home I am super tired. I just want to sleep so I find a nice spot in the back above the heater, perch on a nice leaf and sleep and sleep and sleep. One time I had a dream where I was chasing a blood worm and caught it and it was the most delicious worm I’ve ever had. What were we talking about? Traveling, that’s right. When I’m in that little cup my fins get ripped up and then mom freaks out and thinks I’m going to get sick or something and keeps shining a flashlight on me to investigate and I’m like “MOM I”M FINE CALM DOWN CRAZY LADY!” I guess I should feel lucky she cares so much. But still, if she is one day late on cleaning the tank she sits there and peers into the water for like five minutes, apologizing over and over again. Such a silly mommy! It is only one day! I’ll be fine!

I also got a bunch of worms and brine shrimp! Thanks, mom! I love food!

Finley and I traveled home for Easter.

Purple wild flowers (some people say they are weeds, but I’m going with flowers) sprung up all over the yard at home. I knelt down and began picking a handful. The cold wet ground froze my knees and covered them in mud.

Sun shone all around, burning the back of my neck and soon the scent of sweat overpowered the flowers. I kept picking those little purple flowers.

Once I had a nice bouquet tightly grasped in my hand, I walked down to the tree.

The painted brick serving as his headstone had fallen over, face first. I straightened it, and with my bare hands began trying to wipe away the accumulated dirt and grim.

Then I leaned it against the brick wall so it wouldn’t fall over again and placed the little bouquet of flowers between the brick and the wall. I had wanted to bury him right at the base of the tree, like in the movies. But the real world doesn’t work that way. The roots grow too close together and too close to the surface. So, I buried him as close to the tree as I could, up against this brick wall which forms a step into a lower part of the yard in which the tree stands.

I know that in a matter of days the flowers will wither away. All that will remain will be a decaying mass of green and purple–the only sign I was ever there–all of it failing to lie where I really wanted it to be.

I worry that each time I travel with Finley I am moving him closer towards this end. The stress can accumulate in fish, shortening their lifespan. I talk about doing the best for my fish, but maybe I am just a hypocrite. All I really know is I already dread adding another brick to this somber site of withered love.

• 

• 

So, Sunday night mom was watching this scary show with dragons in it. Apparently, one of the dragons is named Drogon. But you know, that dragon is not that much bigger than me. He is on this screen. So, you know, how big is the difference, really? I think I could take him. I mean fire vs water and all that! What can he do? Boil the water????? lolololol What if he does? Nah, there is no way! If I am in a big enough body of water, he couldn’t boil all of it! See, I can totally win against this Drogon character! You may roar dragon, but I will flare my fins and bite you!! Also, I can breath air and water. Can you? You couldn’t even chase me under water forever! I could stay there much longer than you. Yep, I would totally win.

Watch Finley react to food here

Want to learn more about Betta fish diet? Click here.

Towards the beginning of March, mom was all up in my tank as per usual, when she started chasing me with her hands! I squirmed out of her grasp and hid behind the heater. Then she stuck her fingers behind the heater, so I swam into my plant. She chased me there, too! Just give up already mom! Somehow she scooped me up into this tiny bowl! Can you believe the nerve? So, naturally I began sassing her and swimming at the walls trying to get out. I mean, what would you do if you were used to all this swimming space and then found yourself in a tiny little cup? Then the cup began to move. No, I am completely serious. And it didn’t stop for hours. Bump, bump, jostle, bump. Over and over again. I couldn’t see out my cup but I could hear mom and Aunt R talking nearby. Occasionally, they would talk to me so I wasn’t too worried they forgot about me. “Fifi! How you doing back there? I love you Fifi!” Bumb, bump, jostle, bump. “Fifi, what are you doing in there? We are halfway there!” Bumb, bump, jostle, bump. “Fifi, we are home!! You want to see your Nanny?” What, Nanny? Hi, Nanny!!! How did you get here? Wait, I can see out my cup again! Where am I? Oh, there is that dog. MOM! Why are you seeing that dog???? I am the only pet in your life, mom. Oh, hi Aunt A!!! And Grandpa too! So many people!!! And that dog….

Spring Break from Mom’s View

I had class from 1:30-2:20 and then I had to pack everything up and I was too busy to pack last night. Besides, it’s not like I can pack up Finley early…..I cleaned the tank yesterday to ensure he would have clean water in his cup today. I turn the tank light off, take the lid off the tank and set it on top of my desk. I grab the fish tank cup and fill his little bowl with water. At this point, Finley is trying to chase me out of the tank and keeps getting in my way! Silly little fish! He doesn’t especially like me sticking my hands in his tank. I guess I can understand why. This is his home, not mine. I am invading his space. On the bright side, since he is so interested in what i am doing, I can usually just scoop him up real quick before he has a chance to get away. Not today. He was being so difficult. I needed to get out the door and he would not cooperate with that plan. He swam all over the tank hiding behind the heater and in plants and I had to stick my fingers in the crevices. I don’t like doing this because I think it stresses him out before the journey even begins. Stress lowers Betta’s immune systems so I don’t like to stress him anymore than absolutely necessary. Also, I don’t like using fish nets. Finley is small enough that there are too many places for him to hide, in which the net will not fit. I finally caught him and gently placed him into the cup. I use a small circular, food safe, plastic container, with a tight lid that has air holes in it (I used an ice pick). I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around the container to soak up any spilled water, and buckled the whole thing into a seat in the car…..

Then I went and picked up my sister from the dorms and we began the 3 1/2 hour drive home. Sis and I would talk to him so he would know he wasn’t alone. (BTW his nicknames given to him by me and other family members include: FinFin, Fifi, Fi, Fief, Fish, and Big F). When we got home I walked around commanding, “Say hi to Finley!” followed by me forcing the container into various family members hands so they could say a proper hello. I also got to see Heidi!! Finley was not pleased when I started seeing Heidi. He started spazing and ramming into the container walls…I stopped petting Heidi and he stopped. I pet Heidi and he freaked again. I don’t know how I will balance seeing both. What will I do when I move home in May? Maybe they will eventually learn that I love them both.

Interested in more technical details about travelling with fish? click here

October 2018

Out of a small cup
Into a new large mansion.
Will you care for me?

November 2018

Those pellets taste good!
I love my big tank and plants.
I guess we are friends.

December 2018

You must stay all day!
You got me Christmas presents?
Thanks, mom, I love you!

January 2019

Please stay here all day!
All day, e'r day, be with me!
When you leave I sulk.

February 2019

Why do you sit there
staring at that glowy thing?
Play with me instead!

March

I will sleep all day!
Why do you stay up so late?
I worry for you. 

From Finley’s owner: I spent three months and over $100 upgrading to this bigger tank. My dad and brother constructed the stand! Thanks, fam! Finley uses every inch of the extra swimming space!

Interested in learning more about tank sizes for Bettas? click here